Eldorado
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I have a confession to make... I've started another blog. While this blog is all well and good for the day to day, and I swear at some point I'll start posting with some sort of regularity again, I needed a place a little more private for my some of my thoughts.

It is connected to this blog, but kept private by invitation only. If someone who happens to read this finds themselves interested in reading Clandestine Theory as well please just email me. Not everyone who asks will be invited but you'll never know until you do. nixsidhe at gmail dot com

So, with that being said what can I update about here? A lot of things have been changing lately. Joshua is finally moving out in June/beginning of July. Thank god. A nice and short way of saying this is that I am done with the drama that he and his new girlfriend bring to this house. (Which is funny since I've never even met her, but somehow she's bringing drama into my house.) I'm having a new roommate move in too, his name is Jonathan and he is fantastic. I'm very excited to be able to stay here in my lovely house, with my babycat Jarvis, and work at a job that I love.

I do have to say though, that I am going to continuously look for a job in Pittsburgh and eventually move there. I don't want to drive a car and I want to live in a city where I can bus it and use a bike to get around.

Other than that I've been running about playing with my friends. Hanging out. Drinking gin and tonics out of a water bottle. Procuring a "new" vintage bike. Sewing. Sketching. Sit out on my porch. Trying my best to love ever y single moment of my life and being single.

Life is good, but life will be better in about one month.

Black and White.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

Really, it's nothing new that I am finding it hard to sleep tonight. For the last 6 months I have been keeping to a fairly regular sleep pattern, if you can call it that. Most nights of the week I sleep between 0 - 4 hours. Most days I find myself tired between the hours of 10am - 2pm. I. Do. Not. Nap. Ever.. It's a cool breezy Wednesday night/Thursday morning. The sky is still inky black, but the morning and work is a storm cloud of impending doom just on the horizon.

Every now and then I get extremely lucky and I'll sleep more than 4 hours. Take for instance my trip to San Diego, one afternoon I fell asleep and slept for 13 hours. Here and there I will go to sleep and wake up 6 hours later feeling decadent. It's a true luxury to sleep that long anymore. The only way I can describe this whole thing is that I am often "tired," but I am never "sleepy." Does that make sense?

I'm really not concerned about this. When I was sleeping all the time because I was depressed, I felt like shit constantly. I was groggy and always wanting more more more sleep. Now, if I can managed at least one night of 6+ hours I feel ON for the remaining 6 days.

The only things that bother me are the fact that 1. I have to go to work most days so if I do end up sleepy at some point, my work performance suffers and 2. I'm not being nearly as creatively productive as I've been hoping to be.

I'm wide awake, watching bad horror movies, and wishing this bed wasn't empty.

Serene.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I wasn't really going to go into more detail about this, but Billy and Hannah's comments today have made me realize that I need to be proud of this choice that I've made. For a year and a half I have been giving very serious thought to the option of having a tubal ligation done. What does that mean? I'm having my tubes tied.

Yes, I know this is irreversible. Yes, I know this is a huge decision and I am "so young." Here's the thing... I've been thinking about this for a long time now. I have been saying since I was probably 10, that I don't want children. I was never the type to want to carry around baby dolls and play "Mommy." I also never planned my "dream wedding" or some bullshit.

If I ever do decide that I'd like to parent something and having a cat just isn't cutting it, I'll adopt. There are so many abandoned children out there who need people to care for them that I can't fathom birthing another one. (I can't fathom BIRTHING anything... yuck.)

So, tomorrow afternoon I am going to the hospital and having the procedure done. What do I need right now? Support, love, hugs, ice cream, and more support/hugs. By this time tomorrow I will be a different person. I am excited. I am responsible. I am so very ready.

Thank you to everyone who is supporting me in this decision.

Thick.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I haven't updated this blog in a while. It's most certainly not for lack of things happening in my life though. I wonder if i'm even able to do a quick run through of events...

1. Joshua and I aren't seeing one another anymore. It wasn't dramatic or even bad. We're best friends. We still do laundry together, eat dinner, watch movies, etc. We just want different things. We both tried but we know this is for the best.

2. I've been going to Pittsburgh about once a week at least. Dancing. Shows. Hanging out for the weekend. I've even been driving there, which is a little crazy considering how much I hate to drive.

3. I've been hanging out with people on a regular basis. New people. Old friends. Strangers.

4. I've been working out constantly. I've been feeling so much healthier and I'm losing weight. I love going to the gym.

5. My ridiculous impromptu birthday vacation is in 22 days. I will be landing in San Diego in less than a month. Sun, warmth, birthday fun. Holy crap. I am so excited.

6. A phrase you'll hear a lot more from me now, "I'm done with this shit." This can pertain to a situation, a feeling, a person. I'm at a point once again in my life where I'm not accepting anything less than the absolute best from anything or anyone. It may paint me as impatient or a bitch, but I just can't waste anymore time being a doormat.

I'm excited and anxious. i'm alive and when I looked in the mirror the other day, I saw myself again for the first time in years. I saw myself.

I can smile.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

At the end of November I told myself that I was going to have to make some life changes. I knew that I couldn't just keep doing things the way that I was and ever grow as a person. Those are some huge words as a part of a big decision in my life. I really felt as if I had hit the bottom and I had two options, I could change things or I could just give up and die.

I know it sounds dramatic, but it really wasn't. It was sort of slow and drawn out. Calm even, which I think scared me even more.

What did I need to change?
- No more bending over backward for people and never getting what I want from the situation. (I didn't let this happen a lot, but I have repeat offenders in my life and I take full blame for this happening. It wouldn't have been an issue if I hadn't been allowing it to happen.)

- No more waiting. Being patient is great but making excuses to sit by and wait for life to bring something to me was/is unacceptable. When I look at the person I have become in the last 4 years it blows my mind. I went from the fierce assertive woman who went after what she wanted all the time to a house pet who sits idly by as life just seeps away.

- I can no longer allow my body to fade away. I don't even see ME when I look in the mirror. I really truly know the meaning of "letting yourself go." I did just that. I just stopped existing in my own body. I've gained weight, I've almost completely stopped being active, and I just stopped caring. I wasn't the person I love anymore. It's probably the most depressing part of all of this, that I could just allow myself to slowly rot away. Now I am working out every single day, eating much much better, and feeling myself wake up again. Working out leaves me feeling physically strong and mentally centered.

- No more hibernation. Alone time is well and good. Every single person needs to learn to be comfortable with themselves and enjoy a little time alone, but no more hiding. That was exactly what I was doing. I was hiding from the people who loved me, and I was hiding from myself.

Those are just a few of the big things. I miss the outspoken, friendly, funny, sexy, strong person I used to be. I hate this frumpy, timid, wishy washy person who took her place. In some ways it's dangerous that I am taking steps to become the person I love once again. She doesn't take shit from anyone, she is aggressive in what she wants, and she is bold. All good qualities as far as I'm concerned, but they did garner me the nickname Evil Nichole for the last 10 years of my life.

I feel amazing right now. I feel empowered and ready. I want to dance all night long again. I want to sing. Motivation has been found. Life is back on it's way to good.

Inked.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

Today is an awful day. I woke up especially groggy, hurried to get the gym, and started in on my 6am workout. About 30 minutes in I started to feel terrible. Nauseous. I am taking antibiotics (which I loathe to begin with) and the side effects are essentially, "You will want to die." Groggy, queasy, headaches, AWESOME. I left the gym out of my mind and basically stumbled through the 19 degree snowing cold carrying 20+ lb gym bag. Sick sick sick. The worst.

I didn't go into work. Instead, I have sat here stewing. Feeling poorly has somehow made me insecure and lonely. That's great and completely irrational. Thank you, antibiotics.

It has left me feeling especially alone and in need of some gentle attention. Unfortunately, thats not going to be in the cards for a while.

I hope that everything feels better tomorrow. Please?

A plane ticket to a new life. By A Softer World.
I don't think I have ever found something more spot on and perfect for a moment in my life. I have done just this very thing. I bought myself a plane ticket to San Diego for my birthday. Completely and unapologetically on a whim. It started out as a trip to see my friend Steve who I love very much. He kept firm to his stance that he may not be there in March. I can understand as I've had my share of uncertain moments. My plans were crushed and I was a little sad at the thought of spending my birthday in the cold in this apartment all alone. Then lo-and-behold I made a new friend. His name is Brian and he's actually from this town that I now reside in. The way it all happened amazed me. It was so strange. Now I can still go to San Diego and I've made a new friend who is into a lot of the same things as I am.

I haven't talked about any of this "publicly" yet, but now is as good a time as any. I am wanting to move away from here. I am going to move away from here. I feel as if I have come to the cusp of what I am able to do here. I don't feel as if I'm growing as a person and that I won't be able to attain my goals or even really seriously realize what they are until I am away from this comfort zone I'm stuck in. This trip is a mini vacation, but it is also to see how I feel about Southern California. I mean, in theory it sounds amazing. All of the activities I want to be a part of. Lots of people. Warm warm warm. The ocean. Right. There. Culture. But, I am realistic and know that I could go there and it could not be a fit for me at all. It's something very very possible. But, I have to go and see. I have to try.

The conversations haven't been easy. The decision itself hasn't been easy. I know though, deep down inside of myself that this is something I have to explore. I have tried my very very hardest to be this place, to be the person who fits this place. But, I'm not her. I'm stifled. My voice is muffled. I am not me. I know that if I do this it will make a lot of people unhappy, it will change the way people see me forever. It is something I have to explore. I have to know. Most of all I have to try.

So, for my 28th birthday I bought myself a plane ticket to a potential new life. I bought myself a plane ticket to exploration and adventure. While it is a potential beginning to a very difficult couple of months, it is something I need to do. I have to figure out who I am and what I want to be. Wish me luck, March seems like forever from now.

Sparkles.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

Well, I was hoping to follow up sooner to that last sad-time post. I've just been either busy or distracted. Between work and life (I'm actually trying to keep social engagements and follow through with my plans! Can you imagine? An end to Hermit-Nichole?) i've been really going going going. I love it. As long as I make sure to keep some time set aside for myself, I'm golden.

The biggest news I can share is that I've booked a flight to San Diego for my birthday vacation. I'll be leaving March 18th and returning on the 22nd. It started out as a trip to see Steve, but he's still uncertain if he'll even be there in March. Instead I'm going to visit a new friend and try to cram in some time to see some CA friends and PA friends who have moved there.

Am I nervous? Sure. I haven't done this in ages. (By "this" I mean flying the entire way across the country to meet someone I don't know from day to day life.) I'm mostly excited though. I had an epiphany just a week ago and now I am doing my best to set things in motion and make some life decisions. I've never big on goals for myself or thinking about the future, but I think now is the time. I've never seen myself as someone to be proactive in this way, but I know now what I have to do.

Cryptic? Maybe. Who cares.

I've found my mind to be a mess, but the silver lining? I've found out (more like been reminded) of the amazing support system I have in my life. Supportive, wonderful, creative, lovely people. I am really truly blessed with the friends I've made in all of my adventures.

I'm going to end this with the lyrics to a Sleater Kinney song that has been haunting my mind lately.

Good Things - Sleater Kinney

got this feeling when i heard your name the other day
couldn't say it, couldn't make it go away
it's a hard place, can't be friends, we can't be enemies
it's just too much, feel the weight crushing down on my face

the hardest part is things already said
getting better, worse, i can not tell
why do good things never wanna stay?
some things you lose, some things you give away

broken pieces, try to make it good again
is it worth it, will it make me sick today
it's a dumb song, but i'll write it anyway
it's an old mistake, but we always make it, why do we

the hardest part is things already said
getting better, worse, i can not tell
why do good things never wanna stay?
some things you lose, some things you give away

this time, it'll be alright
this time, it'll be okay
this time, it'll be alright
this time, it'll be okay

the hardest part is things already said
getting better, worse, i can not tell
why do good things never wanna stay?
some things you lose, some things you give away
some things you lose, some things you give away

Bubbly.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I usually feel pretty open about the things in my life. I don't hide much about myself even though it may seem that way. I suppose I just don't offer up information unless someone seems interested or asks directly. Lately though, I've been thinking of the power of secrets. I've been giving serious consideration to pulling in a little further inside of myself.

As a last hurrah I will share a story that relates very much to the point I am in my life right now. Back in the those first winter months of 2001 I moved back here to Pennsylvania from the south. I was leaving not only warm and sunny weather, but I was also walking away from a (most likely) toxic relationship. I was working a construction job with my father and spending most of my time sitting at the harbor, looking out over the murky sea water and sketching. I was reading books and petting my cat. The thing was I was also dating the quality assurance guy for the company we worked for. His name was Randy and we were terribly mismatched for one another. He was this tall blonde, ruddy faced, Southern, sports fan. A true good ol' boy. He was "saved" and talked openly about his faith, oddly enough this is how the whole thing had started.

Out to lunch one day, him in his typical polo shirt, khakis, and running shoes and me in my work clothes and mud all over me. He talked a lot about Christianity. He also loved TN college sports, so he invited me over to his condo to watch a game. I couldn't possibly care less about the game but I was exceptionally lonely so I took him up on it.

He lived on the beach in a rented condo. It was November and freezing cold back home. I was on the beach in rolledup jeans, a tshirt, and no shoes. Bliss. As we walked back to his place from the ocean I turned to look at him and he said, "You don't make things easy do you?" That was it. No explanation. I think I probably just laughed. Nothing is ever easy, if it seems like it is thats because everything has yet to be revealed.

Now here's why he thought things were difficult. He was married and he was almost 10 years older than me. I was 19 at the time and more of a handful than I am now. We went back to his place and he proceeded to try and talk to me about sports and God, neither of which hold my attention. Sitting on his couch in a rented tacky condo on the Carolina shore he kissed me. That's how it started.

I could feel his nervousness pulsing all through him. I have to admit, while I wasn't unaccustomed to having men kiss me, I was a little taken aback. Mostly because 90% of the time he talked about his faith. It escalated from there. He said things like, "Where were you when I was 19?" (To which I had to reply that I was closer to 9 and that it was completely inappropriate.) "I think that God had meant for us to meet one another." I guess the latter statement made him feel better about what he was doing.

He told me he wanted to be with me. That I made him happy. I was exciting and sexy. He would dress me up and take me out to dinner. I made him do juvenile silly things with me to show him how to relax. When February came and I was supposed to move back here. I asked him if he was going to leave his wife, he told me he couldn't. Then he fucked me in the house where my father and I were staying. My father was at work, where Randy was supposed to be. I still remember the look on his face as he turned to leave. It was a mix between regret, relief, and sadness.

I won't lie, I bawled my eyes out. While it wasn't the first instance of "you're the kind of girl I could be infatuated with but not date" it hurt just as much. as any other.

I came back here and found myself in one of the deepest and scariest runs of depression I had experienced. I felt terrible about the world all together. It was also the first time in years that I had thought I was really truly suicidal. Not over the sordid relationship but more about people and life. I really just wanted to die. Not in any sort of dramatic way, but more of a slow slipping away sort of way. Being too depressed to even go out with a bang.

About two months ago I recognized those feelings coming back. I don't sleep. I don't know where my mind is, but having gone through it once I can recognize it.

What I ask is for people who know me to be patient with me. I feel like I'm sinking, but I realize it. Just hold out for me.

New Years at home.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I rarely talk about when things are awry, they are in such a state now. I decided to spend New Year's Eve at home alone this year. I haven't done that in I don't even know how long. I was always the one hosting the parties or pushing to go out somewhere. I have been really deeply profoundly sad for a while now. I can go through the motions, make a day to day life... but in the end I'm just really sad.

I don't make resolutions. But, I do know that I will not allow this sadness to carry on throughout 2009. I won't make it through if I do. The best way I can put it is that I am unwilling to talk about it, which may not sound healthy but it's the truth. I can't/won't go into too many details.

I am working on it. That's the most I can/will say right now. Please don't be alarmed if my posts are less than chipper and sarcastic. Please don't worry if I don't say anything for a while.

I'm working at it.