A crooked house.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

Today is a very strange mix of a really great day and a really crushingly sad day.

I woke up in my new (free) grown up bed. New clean sheets and a softer than soft mattress topper to make it excessively comfortable. I had two purring cats lounging completely across me. The early morning sunlight was just starting to permeate my room. Quiet house. Quiet Sunday morning. I had tea. Listening to music turned down so low I almost strained to hear the trumpets and piano notes over the birds outside. Pure, uninterrupted, solitary happiness.

I went on usual Sunday-adventures with Michael. Fleamarkets. Coffee. Art store. Music. Driving w/ the windows down and my feet on the dashboard. He went home and I spent my early evening drawing and listening to music in my room/watching movies on the roku in my underwear.

As I was sitting here though I felt something wash over me. Just a sadness, plain and simple. That sort of melancholy that grows when you know that you have to tell someone that you can't see them again. That you can't be their friend. What a terrible sickening fucking feeling. I don't know how anyone can say those things to another person they care even a little bit about and not feel like shit.

The last 3+ weeks have been a tug of war inside my head and my heart. I was doing my best to not allow any sort of sadness take over my day to day life by staying busy, being social, and drawing with every single spare moment I had. I couldn't allow myself to slow down too much. Just like with any other sort of emotional repression the moment you allow yourself to breathe it comes flooding back and crushes you under the waves of emotion you lied to yourself about.

Today was that day. I sat here in my computer chair with Tibby curled up in my lap reading a poem and sobbing. If I wasn't so stoic in front of other people, I might have tried to talk to someone or asked a friend to come over. It's not the sort of thing I have ever done though.

I just don't want to end up bitter over all of this. I don't want to allow this to make me callous or mean, but at the same time I don't feel anything even remotely like the desire to let another living human being close to me that way again for quite some time.

I feel drained and deflated. I feel standoffish and closed up tight. I feel quiet as a tomb. Only slightly worried that I also feel relieved.

"You had a way so familiar but I could not recognize because you had blood on your face and I had blood in my eyes. But, I could swear by your expression that the pain down in your soul was the same as the pain down in mine."

YEA!
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

Truth be told, I'm a little surprised that I'm as happy as I am right now. But, then I started thinking about why I'm as happy as I am, and I'm not surprised at all.

I'm sitting in my room and the windows are open wide.
I've got the fans turned on, so the cool post summer-storm air is being pulled in to keep me happy.
I've got low jazz/soul/blues music playing at 1am, nothing but underwear on, and art supplies and the two books I'm reading spread out across the floor.
My two cats are lounging here going back and forth between staring at the ceiling fan and pestering one another.
My roommate is asleep on the couch, having passed out watching the Discovery channel. Sunburnt and just back from the beach. For once I'm glad my roommate is home.
My laundry is washed.
The dishes are done.
I just came in from standing outside on my front porch almost naked in the cool wet night air just taking it all in on my silent neighborhood street from up above.
I feel so unstoppably creative.
I've been going on hikes, putting my feet in water, and looking at things.
I've been ANSWERING my phone as well as MAKING phone calls to people I love. (I know, can you even believe it? If you want a call or to call me, let me know.)
Michael and I are really truly planning a road trip/adventure weekend for this fall where we drive across the state and stay in some silly bed and breakfast and look at leaves and just have fun with no worries.
I've got a completely packed week that looks like this...
Sunday: Michael and I went swimming at my father's house. Benjamin came over to tell me a bedtime story as i was falling asleep.
Monday: Michael and I sat around my room and watched The Office while making road trip plans.
Tuesday: Errands, hanging out with one of my only friends from high school, Eric, coffee with Amy
Wednesday: Working in Indiana, going to see SpookyCorey and hanging out with Coli
Thursday: PAIGE! Also tentative hang out plans with Chuck and Julie.
Friday: Free and clear (Sarah? Talon? Mike? Drinks?)
Saturday: Benjamin and Daisher's band is playing a show!
Sunday: Brunch with Momma, hang out with Chris, for a few hours, maybe Kennywood with Michael!
PACKED!
I've been reminded time and again of the people who love me and how much I am lucky to have them in my life. My support network is unbelievable. I don't know what I'd do without my friends.

In short, I am lucky beyond words. I could not ask for better friends. I am surrounded by amazing, fun, interesting, dangerously intelligent, caring people. People who stay the night when I'm sad, and make me breakfast so I don't go to work hungry. People who have my back anytime I need it and offer face punching as readily as hugs. People who make sure to make me laugh when I'm down. People who sit over coffee and giggle and talk completely inappropriately with me. People who hold my hand without hesitation and say those words aloud, "I love you." People who write out equations on my dry erase board around my literary quotes and explain them to me as I fall asleep, turning them into a bedtime story for me. People who make sure there is never a doubt that there is love between us.

I shake off negativity, brush off sadness. But, I make sure I live through every ounce of the feeling. Not wasting a bit of it at all. I experience everything, think it through and push it out through my pores. I sweat out the depression before it has a chance to build up inside of me like clogged arteries. I refuse to accept feeling empty when I am so lucky to have the life I do.

"I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything..."

Fuck yea!.

Ghost bike.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I. Can't. Sleep.

Do I find myself surprised by this?? Not at all. Several reasons. 1. I was sleeping pretty well for a while. This can only mean one thing, it won't ever last. Anytime I start getting an adequate amount of sleep, my body just revolts. 2. It's summer time. Even though it's been an extraordinarily mild one, summer still means long long long nights awake. Insomnia had been prevalent at the start of the summer, but then I staved the beast off. Lo and behold, its mid-July and I am wide wide awake at almost 3am. 3. Throughout the day today I had 1 cup of coffee (unusual for me), 1 maxx 5 hr energy, AND a super b complex vitamin (admittedly on accident, I forgot after lunch since I'm so used to taking them everyday).

Here I sit, breathing in the cool wet air through my windows and the incense burning across the room. The cats are lazing about on the floor, looking up every time I move or the song changes. It seems they're just as restless. Every now and then one of them comes over to stand on their hind legs and gently paw at my elbow.

Strangely, I'm not distraught by this lack of sleep. I don't get worked up about it. I just don't sleep. I stay up, I read books, I clean the house, I listen to soul/jazz music, I sketch/sew/paint, I watch documentaries, I pet the cats, I take long showers, I go for walks, I do photo shoots, and I look out the window.

Night time seems to go on forever and, honestly, that doesn't really bother me.

Eldorado
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I have a confession to make... I've started another blog. While this blog is all well and good for the day to day, and I swear at some point I'll start posting with some sort of regularity again, I needed a place a little more private for my some of my thoughts.

It is connected to this blog, but kept private by invitation only. If someone who happens to read this finds themselves interested in reading Clandestine Theory as well please just email me. Not everyone who asks will be invited but you'll never know until you do. nixsidhe at gmail dot com

So, with that being said what can I update about here? A lot of things have been changing lately. Joshua is finally moving out in June/beginning of July. Thank god. A nice and short way of saying this is that I am done with the drama that he and his new girlfriend bring to this house. (Which is funny since I've never even met her, but somehow she's bringing drama into my house.) I'm having a new roommate move in too, his name is Jonathan and he is fantastic. I'm very excited to be able to stay here in my lovely house, with my babycat Jarvis, and work at a job that I love.

I do have to say though, that I am going to continuously look for a job in Pittsburgh and eventually move there. I don't want to drive a car and I want to live in a city where I can bus it and use a bike to get around.

Other than that I've been running about playing with my friends. Hanging out. Drinking gin and tonics out of a water bottle. Procuring a "new" vintage bike. Sewing. Sketching. Sit out on my porch. Trying my best to love ever y single moment of my life and being single.

Life is good, but life will be better in about one month.

Black and White.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

Really, it's nothing new that I am finding it hard to sleep tonight. For the last 6 months I have been keeping to a fairly regular sleep pattern, if you can call it that. Most nights of the week I sleep between 0 - 4 hours. Most days I find myself tired between the hours of 10am - 2pm. I. Do. Not. Nap. Ever.. It's a cool breezy Wednesday night/Thursday morning. The sky is still inky black, but the morning and work is a storm cloud of impending doom just on the horizon.

Every now and then I get extremely lucky and I'll sleep more than 4 hours. Take for instance my trip to San Diego, one afternoon I fell asleep and slept for 13 hours. Here and there I will go to sleep and wake up 6 hours later feeling decadent. It's a true luxury to sleep that long anymore. The only way I can describe this whole thing is that I am often "tired," but I am never "sleepy." Does that make sense?

I'm really not concerned about this. When I was sleeping all the time because I was depressed, I felt like shit constantly. I was groggy and always wanting more more more sleep. Now, if I can managed at least one night of 6+ hours I feel ON for the remaining 6 days.

The only things that bother me are the fact that 1. I have to go to work most days so if I do end up sleepy at some point, my work performance suffers and 2. I'm not being nearly as creatively productive as I've been hoping to be.

I'm wide awake, watching bad horror movies, and wishing this bed wasn't empty.

Serene.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I wasn't really going to go into more detail about this, but Billy and Hannah's comments today have made me realize that I need to be proud of this choice that I've made. For a year and a half I have been giving very serious thought to the option of having a tubal ligation done. What does that mean? I'm having my tubes tied.

Yes, I know this is irreversible. Yes, I know this is a huge decision and I am "so young." Here's the thing... I've been thinking about this for a long time now. I have been saying since I was probably 10, that I don't want children. I was never the type to want to carry around baby dolls and play "Mommy." I also never planned my "dream wedding" or some bullshit.

If I ever do decide that I'd like to parent something and having a cat just isn't cutting it, I'll adopt. There are so many abandoned children out there who need people to care for them that I can't fathom birthing another one. (I can't fathom BIRTHING anything... yuck.)

So, tomorrow afternoon I am going to the hospital and having the procedure done. What do I need right now? Support, love, hugs, ice cream, and more support/hugs. By this time tomorrow I will be a different person. I am excited. I am responsible. I am so very ready.

Thank you to everyone who is supporting me in this decision.

Thick.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I haven't updated this blog in a while. It's most certainly not for lack of things happening in my life though. I wonder if i'm even able to do a quick run through of events...

1. Joshua and I aren't seeing one another anymore. It wasn't dramatic or even bad. We're best friends. We still do laundry together, eat dinner, watch movies, etc. We just want different things. We both tried but we know this is for the best.

2. I've been going to Pittsburgh about once a week at least. Dancing. Shows. Hanging out for the weekend. I've even been driving there, which is a little crazy considering how much I hate to drive.

3. I've been hanging out with people on a regular basis. New people. Old friends. Strangers.

4. I've been working out constantly. I've been feeling so much healthier and I'm losing weight. I love going to the gym.

5. My ridiculous impromptu birthday vacation is in 22 days. I will be landing in San Diego in less than a month. Sun, warmth, birthday fun. Holy crap. I am so excited.

6. A phrase you'll hear a lot more from me now, "I'm done with this shit." This can pertain to a situation, a feeling, a person. I'm at a point once again in my life where I'm not accepting anything less than the absolute best from anything or anyone. It may paint me as impatient or a bitch, but I just can't waste anymore time being a doormat.

I'm excited and anxious. i'm alive and when I looked in the mirror the other day, I saw myself again for the first time in years. I saw myself.

I can smile.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

At the end of November I told myself that I was going to have to make some life changes. I knew that I couldn't just keep doing things the way that I was and ever grow as a person. Those are some huge words as a part of a big decision in my life. I really felt as if I had hit the bottom and I had two options, I could change things or I could just give up and die.

I know it sounds dramatic, but it really wasn't. It was sort of slow and drawn out. Calm even, which I think scared me even more.

What did I need to change?
- No more bending over backward for people and never getting what I want from the situation. (I didn't let this happen a lot, but I have repeat offenders in my life and I take full blame for this happening. It wouldn't have been an issue if I hadn't been allowing it to happen.)

- No more waiting. Being patient is great but making excuses to sit by and wait for life to bring something to me was/is unacceptable. When I look at the person I have become in the last 4 years it blows my mind. I went from the fierce assertive woman who went after what she wanted all the time to a house pet who sits idly by as life just seeps away.

- I can no longer allow my body to fade away. I don't even see ME when I look in the mirror. I really truly know the meaning of "letting yourself go." I did just that. I just stopped existing in my own body. I've gained weight, I've almost completely stopped being active, and I just stopped caring. I wasn't the person I love anymore. It's probably the most depressing part of all of this, that I could just allow myself to slowly rot away. Now I am working out every single day, eating much much better, and feeling myself wake up again. Working out leaves me feeling physically strong and mentally centered.

- No more hibernation. Alone time is well and good. Every single person needs to learn to be comfortable with themselves and enjoy a little time alone, but no more hiding. That was exactly what I was doing. I was hiding from the people who loved me, and I was hiding from myself.

Those are just a few of the big things. I miss the outspoken, friendly, funny, sexy, strong person I used to be. I hate this frumpy, timid, wishy washy person who took her place. In some ways it's dangerous that I am taking steps to become the person I love once again. She doesn't take shit from anyone, she is aggressive in what she wants, and she is bold. All good qualities as far as I'm concerned, but they did garner me the nickname Evil Nichole for the last 10 years of my life.

I feel amazing right now. I feel empowered and ready. I want to dance all night long again. I want to sing. Motivation has been found. Life is back on it's way to good.

Inked.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

Today is an awful day. I woke up especially groggy, hurried to get the gym, and started in on my 6am workout. About 30 minutes in I started to feel terrible. Nauseous. I am taking antibiotics (which I loathe to begin with) and the side effects are essentially, "You will want to die." Groggy, queasy, headaches, AWESOME. I left the gym out of my mind and basically stumbled through the 19 degree snowing cold carrying 20+ lb gym bag. Sick sick sick. The worst.

I didn't go into work. Instead, I have sat here stewing. Feeling poorly has somehow made me insecure and lonely. That's great and completely irrational. Thank you, antibiotics.

It has left me feeling especially alone and in need of some gentle attention. Unfortunately, thats not going to be in the cards for a while.

I hope that everything feels better tomorrow. Please?

A plane ticket to a new life. By A Softer World.
I don't think I have ever found something more spot on and perfect for a moment in my life. I have done just this very thing. I bought myself a plane ticket to San Diego for my birthday. Completely and unapologetically on a whim. It started out as a trip to see my friend Steve who I love very much. He kept firm to his stance that he may not be there in March. I can understand as I've had my share of uncertain moments. My plans were crushed and I was a little sad at the thought of spending my birthday in the cold in this apartment all alone. Then lo-and-behold I made a new friend. His name is Brian and he's actually from this town that I now reside in. The way it all happened amazed me. It was so strange. Now I can still go to San Diego and I've made a new friend who is into a lot of the same things as I am.

I haven't talked about any of this "publicly" yet, but now is as good a time as any. I am wanting to move away from here. I am going to move away from here. I feel as if I have come to the cusp of what I am able to do here. I don't feel as if I'm growing as a person and that I won't be able to attain my goals or even really seriously realize what they are until I am away from this comfort zone I'm stuck in. This trip is a mini vacation, but it is also to see how I feel about Southern California. I mean, in theory it sounds amazing. All of the activities I want to be a part of. Lots of people. Warm warm warm. The ocean. Right. There. Culture. But, I am realistic and know that I could go there and it could not be a fit for me at all. It's something very very possible. But, I have to go and see. I have to try.

The conversations haven't been easy. The decision itself hasn't been easy. I know though, deep down inside of myself that this is something I have to explore. I have tried my very very hardest to be this place, to be the person who fits this place. But, I'm not her. I'm stifled. My voice is muffled. I am not me. I know that if I do this it will make a lot of people unhappy, it will change the way people see me forever. It is something I have to explore. I have to know. Most of all I have to try.

So, for my 28th birthday I bought myself a plane ticket to a potential new life. I bought myself a plane ticket to exploration and adventure. While it is a potential beginning to a very difficult couple of months, it is something I need to do. I have to figure out who I am and what I want to be. Wish me luck, March seems like forever from now.