94/365 Emotional Distress.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe.

Have you ever gotten that feeling that you just want to stick your head way way down in the sand? That's how I've felt for the majority of the last month or so. I just feel horrible.

I not only found out that my mother has cancer, but she also had her first chemo treatment on Wednesday. I haven't talked about it here because i wasn't sure how just yet. The entire situation is just surreal. I'm honestly scared, but mostly mad. My mother has had it rough for the majority of her life. She has had a benign tumor on her brain, her hip operated on and metal parts inside now, her spine worked on surgically, a hysterectomy, and now this lung cancer. My mother isn't even 50 yet. I just feel so angry. I just want to scream and smash and throw fits and cry... but I know it won't do any good. I absolutely hate the feelings I have brewing inside of me, and even more so.. I hate the confusion, the not knowing. I loathe the sense of powerlessness.

I've also been feeling somewhat creatively fallow. I make things and i hate them. I get angry because the things I want to make aren't turning out anything like I see in my mind. Even worse, some days I can't make anything at all. My brain sits quiet inside of my skull.

I'm period cranky right now too. I'm bloated, bitchy, and restless. I just feel anxious with all of these things combined and wish I could at the very least sew something up to keep my hands busy. Instead I'm going to go and try to work on a sketch I started this week and hope that it doesn't end up looking like garbage.