Thick.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I haven't updated this blog in a while. It's most certainly not for lack of things happening in my life though. I wonder if i'm even able to do a quick run through of events...

1. Joshua and I aren't seeing one another anymore. It wasn't dramatic or even bad. We're best friends. We still do laundry together, eat dinner, watch movies, etc. We just want different things. We both tried but we know this is for the best.

2. I've been going to Pittsburgh about once a week at least. Dancing. Shows. Hanging out for the weekend. I've even been driving there, which is a little crazy considering how much I hate to drive.

3. I've been hanging out with people on a regular basis. New people. Old friends. Strangers.

4. I've been working out constantly. I've been feeling so much healthier and I'm losing weight. I love going to the gym.

5. My ridiculous impromptu birthday vacation is in 22 days. I will be landing in San Diego in less than a month. Sun, warmth, birthday fun. Holy crap. I am so excited.

6. A phrase you'll hear a lot more from me now, "I'm done with this shit." This can pertain to a situation, a feeling, a person. I'm at a point once again in my life where I'm not accepting anything less than the absolute best from anything or anyone. It may paint me as impatient or a bitch, but I just can't waste anymore time being a doormat.

I'm excited and anxious. i'm alive and when I looked in the mirror the other day, I saw myself again for the first time in years. I saw myself.

I can smile.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

At the end of November I told myself that I was going to have to make some life changes. I knew that I couldn't just keep doing things the way that I was and ever grow as a person. Those are some huge words as a part of a big decision in my life. I really felt as if I had hit the bottom and I had two options, I could change things or I could just give up and die.

I know it sounds dramatic, but it really wasn't. It was sort of slow and drawn out. Calm even, which I think scared me even more.

What did I need to change?
- No more bending over backward for people and never getting what I want from the situation. (I didn't let this happen a lot, but I have repeat offenders in my life and I take full blame for this happening. It wouldn't have been an issue if I hadn't been allowing it to happen.)

- No more waiting. Being patient is great but making excuses to sit by and wait for life to bring something to me was/is unacceptable. When I look at the person I have become in the last 4 years it blows my mind. I went from the fierce assertive woman who went after what she wanted all the time to a house pet who sits idly by as life just seeps away.

- I can no longer allow my body to fade away. I don't even see ME when I look in the mirror. I really truly know the meaning of "letting yourself go." I did just that. I just stopped existing in my own body. I've gained weight, I've almost completely stopped being active, and I just stopped caring. I wasn't the person I love anymore. It's probably the most depressing part of all of this, that I could just allow myself to slowly rot away. Now I am working out every single day, eating much much better, and feeling myself wake up again. Working out leaves me feeling physically strong and mentally centered.

- No more hibernation. Alone time is well and good. Every single person needs to learn to be comfortable with themselves and enjoy a little time alone, but no more hiding. That was exactly what I was doing. I was hiding from the people who loved me, and I was hiding from myself.

Those are just a few of the big things. I miss the outspoken, friendly, funny, sexy, strong person I used to be. I hate this frumpy, timid, wishy washy person who took her place. In some ways it's dangerous that I am taking steps to become the person I love once again. She doesn't take shit from anyone, she is aggressive in what she wants, and she is bold. All good qualities as far as I'm concerned, but they did garner me the nickname Evil Nichole for the last 10 years of my life.

I feel amazing right now. I feel empowered and ready. I want to dance all night long again. I want to sing. Motivation has been found. Life is back on it's way to good.