Eldorado
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I have a confession to make... I've started another blog. While this blog is all well and good for the day to day, and I swear at some point I'll start posting with some sort of regularity again, I needed a place a little more private for my some of my thoughts.

It is connected to this blog, but kept private by invitation only. If someone who happens to read this finds themselves interested in reading Clandestine Theory as well please just email me. Not everyone who asks will be invited but you'll never know until you do. nixsidhe at gmail dot com

So, with that being said what can I update about here? A lot of things have been changing lately. Joshua is finally moving out in June/beginning of July. Thank god. A nice and short way of saying this is that I am done with the drama that he and his new girlfriend bring to this house. (Which is funny since I've never even met her, but somehow she's bringing drama into my house.) I'm having a new roommate move in too, his name is Jonathan and he is fantastic. I'm very excited to be able to stay here in my lovely house, with my babycat Jarvis, and work at a job that I love.

I do have to say though, that I am going to continuously look for a job in Pittsburgh and eventually move there. I don't want to drive a car and I want to live in a city where I can bus it and use a bike to get around.

Other than that I've been running about playing with my friends. Hanging out. Drinking gin and tonics out of a water bottle. Procuring a "new" vintage bike. Sewing. Sketching. Sit out on my porch. Trying my best to love ever y single moment of my life and being single.

Life is good, but life will be better in about one month.

Black and White.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

Really, it's nothing new that I am finding it hard to sleep tonight. For the last 6 months I have been keeping to a fairly regular sleep pattern, if you can call it that. Most nights of the week I sleep between 0 - 4 hours. Most days I find myself tired between the hours of 10am - 2pm. I. Do. Not. Nap. Ever.. It's a cool breezy Wednesday night/Thursday morning. The sky is still inky black, but the morning and work is a storm cloud of impending doom just on the horizon.

Every now and then I get extremely lucky and I'll sleep more than 4 hours. Take for instance my trip to San Diego, one afternoon I fell asleep and slept for 13 hours. Here and there I will go to sleep and wake up 6 hours later feeling decadent. It's a true luxury to sleep that long anymore. The only way I can describe this whole thing is that I am often "tired," but I am never "sleepy." Does that make sense?

I'm really not concerned about this. When I was sleeping all the time because I was depressed, I felt like shit constantly. I was groggy and always wanting more more more sleep. Now, if I can managed at least one night of 6+ hours I feel ON for the remaining 6 days.

The only things that bother me are the fact that 1. I have to go to work most days so if I do end up sleepy at some point, my work performance suffers and 2. I'm not being nearly as creatively productive as I've been hoping to be.

I'm wide awake, watching bad horror movies, and wishing this bed wasn't empty.

Serene.
Originally uploaded by Nix Sidhe

I wasn't really going to go into more detail about this, but Billy and Hannah's comments today have made me realize that I need to be proud of this choice that I've made. For a year and a half I have been giving very serious thought to the option of having a tubal ligation done. What does that mean? I'm having my tubes tied.

Yes, I know this is irreversible. Yes, I know this is a huge decision and I am "so young." Here's the thing... I've been thinking about this for a long time now. I have been saying since I was probably 10, that I don't want children. I was never the type to want to carry around baby dolls and play "Mommy." I also never planned my "dream wedding" or some bullshit.

If I ever do decide that I'd like to parent something and having a cat just isn't cutting it, I'll adopt. There are so many abandoned children out there who need people to care for them that I can't fathom birthing another one. (I can't fathom BIRTHING anything... yuck.)

So, tomorrow afternoon I am going to the hospital and having the procedure done. What do I need right now? Support, love, hugs, ice cream, and more support/hugs. By this time tomorrow I will be a different person. I am excited. I am responsible. I am so very ready.

Thank you to everyone who is supporting me in this decision.